So, about jealousy? Yes, we have all been jealous about something or someone at one time or another. Not gonna lie, it’s not fair that Britney Spears just had to don a school girl outfit and sing badly through her nose and shake a few things to be famous. All the while, all the music lessons in the world and I couldn’t even get a crappy minor part in the middle school production of Once Upon a Mattress. Free Britney my, well, that’s exactly how jealousy works. In this piece, Will Jiles and I are going to explore what we think of what happens when the green-eyed monster (also known as jealousy) shows it’s ugly head in a relationship.
Her Take:
I don’t care how hard rom-coms or Sex and the City try to portray being jealous as something cute and endearing, trust me, there is nothing attractive or pleasant about someone who freaks out like they saw a giant earthworm every time someone of the opposite sex looks in your general direction. First of all, are you a psychic or mindreader to know that they are really looking at your better half. Like, do you really have x-ray vision or eyes behind your head to know that is really the case. Maybe you are at the mall and that person is looking at that really awesome mannequin display in Abercrombie and Fitch. Or maybe they are looking for the food court for the nearest Panda Express for a bowl of that really authentic orange chicken. Perhaps it’s not all about you, you self-centered putz. Talk about being arrogant to think the world revolves around you and somehow you have the hottest arm candy latched onto your insecure little self and someone’s going to steal it way like my little sister used to steal my clothes. But say, maybe they are looking at your significant other, don’t you think it’s kind of a compliment that your girl or guy looks like something from a Hugo Boss ad and not someone from a bad Walmart meme? I mean, that’s how I would look at it. And that’s only mild jealousy, for the folks who take it a step further and go all gumshoe detective-like, you either have watched the movie Sleeping With the Enemy one too many times or you are obviously in the wrong career field. Another aspect of jealousy, friends of the opposite sex. Again, I don’t care what all the rom-coms try to sell you, that the guy who was friend-zoned for all these years suddenly lights this torch of passion in his long-crush’s eyes and poof, they are soulmates for life and happily ever after. Yeah, it’s doesn’t usually work that way. If someone is your friend, it’s because you aren’t attracted to them in The Princess Bride sense or there is such thing as not my type (read: never moving out of the friendzone). There is a reason that person is a friend. Trust me, I was the best man in my childhood friend’s wedding (and yes, he married a woman) and one of my other really close guy friends knows all too well about my tomboy habits. And I’ve never been anything but platonic friends with both and there has never been jealousy issues, they are both like brothers to me. And I am pretty sure the only torch I lit with them is the one under their ass when they see that Korea temper come out and they hightail it the other direction. But in all seriousness, jealousy is not fun, cute or endearing. In fact, being jealous is not gonna make me want to stick around, it’s gonna make me want to hightail it back to Korea or anywhere that I don’t have to feel like I’m being interrogated. There is such thing as having a fun and innocently flirty personality, playfully hitting or hugging someone doesn’t mean I’m going to go all Runaway Bride with that person. It’s really draining having to constantly explain yourself or feeling like you are like Whitey Bulger, constantly on the run, except in this case, you didn’t do anything wrong but be on the wrong side of someone green-eyed monster.
His Take:
I have to agree with her take on jealousy not being an enduring characteristic or remotely attractive. To stay in context, we are discussing relationship jealousy. I often wonder why people get to a point where jealousy becomes a nemesis in the relationship. Now, I’ve probably had a smidgen of jealousy creep in my head. I didn’t like my girl coming across as being flirty unless it was me on the receiving end of her flirtation, which is ironically one of the things that I found attractive in her. In any event, I began to realize that my jealousy was a form of insecurity. I guess in my mind, I thought that she was laying the groundwork for her next prospect, but in retrospect, she was just the openly friendly person that she was. She wasn’t looking for my replacement as I imagined in my head. She was gorgeous, and just as I saw her from across the room, I’m sure other guys saw the same qualities that I had come to get excited about. With that said, I realized that she would attract attention because she was physically gifted and had this magnetic personality, and people were just drawn to her. Who was I to feel like her world should be centered around me and strip her of her uniqueness? Again, I agree with her take on the perspective of jealousy. When I changed my perspective and appreciated that I had this beautiful specimen next to me, all the preliminary work of trying to get to where I am now is behind me. It’s all the onlookers now who were wishing they were in my place. Now I wasn’t one to show my jealousy in a way that caused significant conflict between us. Before I pivoted to a more positive and appreciative position, I did go into this quiet mode as my way of expressing, or lack thereof, my way of dealing with the jealousy, or more realistic, the insecurity. I’m glad that I grew out of that for the most part. It’s hard to say that jealousy is eradicated from my life. On the flip side of the coin, she loved when women looked at me and even found it flattering. Of course, I took the modest approach and denied that they were looking at me and even tried to spin it as them looking at her. I would say, maybe they’re looking at you and are jealous (there’s that word again) of you. In the end, I learned that jealousy stems from internal insecurity, and the perception is often a deception of the real dynamics of the moment.
Now, on the flip side of things, I encountered EXTREME jealously from a lady I dated. This is where it became almost like a script made for DON’TS in relationship training and added a touch of humor when I look back. There were signs right from the beginning that I chose to ignore. I remember the first date; she thought I was too nice to the waitress, and later that night, when we were having a conversation recapping the night, she brought that up. I was a little taken aback because I was very excited to be on a date with her. I had to put some work in to earn her company, and then it started going in the wrong direction from that first date on. Several more dates ensued, and they all seemed to have a conversation centered around my drifting eyes. She accused me, and I admit some of it may have a tiny bit of accuracy, that whenever I saw a beautiful woman, she said I couldn’t help myself looking at her. I found myself having to defend my unintentional eye-drifting. I thank her for being instrumental in me wearing sunglasses as part of my wardrobe ensemble, even in shaded areas, just so that I didn’t have to explain the movement of my eyeballs whenever there were other attractive females present. I looked like I was trying to be cool, true, but it was more to keep my cool than the aesthetics of trying to be on the cover of GQ magazine. It wasn’t too long into the dating period with her that I had to bail. I felt like I would end up making an episode of the show Cheaters or the Maury Povich Show, and we weren’t even at that level. I had to lock my glove box in my car before I picked her up. I had to get my vehicle checked for a GPS tracking device. I made sure that I grabbed my phone every time I had to get up and leave. With the level of jealousy she displayed, hell, she would accuse me of sleeping with the enemy, and I’m not talking about her enemies; I’m talking about anyone that I would have described as my enemy. I think she wanted me to view all females as “the enemy.” She was a big reality tv show fanatic, and I would at times take a few moments out of my other interest and watch a show or two with her. She said that the only reason I watched those shows was because of the women. Well, I didn’t deny that allegation, and I had to remind her that those ladies are thousands of miles away. It became another checkbox to prepare for my exit.
In hindsight, I should have set up a date with a psychologist. One to address her unwarranted insecurities. And the other to give me some pointers on how to cope with a B…lol. Well, I say that without a lot of background information on her past, but if her relationships indicate what I experienced, I can see why they didn’t last. Whoever that guy was that tarnished her perception of men, I hope he’s having to spend his trying to figure out why his manhood no longer stands good (lol) and getting his eyes examined regularly for his short-sighted vision.
So fellas, if you have to pretend that you are wiping your eyes to disguise your thirst to take in the scenery of a beautiful woman in the room or passing by, come on! You know you are in a toxic relationship. Run Forest Run!
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